In the last several weeks, the world held it’s breath while the search for terrorists responsible for the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon building became a primary and burning concern for the Americas. Although terrorism is a gruesome subject, the most convenient way to travel has now been turned into the most inconvenient and time consuming form of getting from point A to point B. I, on the other hand, still think that flying is sage and will most likely still enjoy flying in the future. Some points I will show will put some love back into the affair of flying into the wild blue yonder.
Since the check-in lines have been further complicated by luggage searches and carry-on bags, portable computers and anything pointed are considered dangerous, it would be wise to mail all your overnight things at least ten days in advance of your planned trip. If you are frequent traveler, you should just leave a change of clothing at the dry cleaner and carry nothing at all on your plane trip. Another way to get around the baggage search would be to wear several layers of clothing at check point Charlie so that the search will take only seconds since there won’t be any bag to check in.
Many airports require full identification with a recent photo of you, so it would be wise to get your status card updated, and not show someone you used to know about fifty pounds ago. Also, if you have a beard or mustache, shave it off, so that all your features will show on the photograph (that includes women) and there will be no argument over whether that is you or your older sibling. If you are wearing makeup (for the women) please try to look as natural as possible for the photo shoot or other wise, you may be mistaken for Sophia Loren and thus, will require an armed escort throughout the terminal.
When on board the aircraft, please do not try to request too many drinks as this will only bring back sober memories of the last time you got bumped off the plane in favor of someone who checked in behind you who needlessly flaunted their political position as tribal chief or deputy, what-ever, thus making you wish you never voted for them in the first place, and taking it out on the hapless flight attendant who just wants peace and quiet and no reason to bring out the barf bag.
Another thing not to do is to talk about the last time the turbulence felt like hurricane Andrew on approach to this ridiculously short runway during a whiteout blizzard. Keep your horror stories to yourself because this may bring out a competitive storytelling that won’t end until you get airsick from just listening to the tall tales seasoned travelers love to spin. Most of the stories are true and as you look in amazement (or are looked at in the same fashion) at your fellow passenger and wonder just why the hell he (or you) is back on a plane, just bring out the statistics of hitting moose on the highway on a foggy night and that should justify flying again.
Another reason why to fly is that you get to exotic places inaccessible by road like Great Whale River or Honolulu and enjoy the full benefits of a great sun tan or excessive freeze burns on any exposed part of your body (what ever turns you on). Ever since the movie Titanic came out, going on an ocean cruise just doesn’t have the same appeal as flying over the north pole on the Concorde faster than the speed of sound and sipping champagne at 50,000 feet. Who feels like lugging a canoe endless mile on the portage of pain just to catch fish when you can fly in on a bush plane and be back in time for happy hour? Why drive fifty hours to Vancouver just to watch the sun set on Japan while on a stretcher with back pain and seat sores, when you can get there in a few hours and suffer only a mild case of jet lag and possibly an acute sense of hara-kiri when you gorge on your first live clam harvested from the Pacific beach? Fly, man fly, it’s the only way to travel and not have to worry about back seat drivers.
