Members of the radical group Front du Liberation des Animaux swept through a 900-square-mile region of the Abitibi Monday, freeing an estimated 71,000 cows from their human captors.
“These cows are finally free to run wild through the wilderness,” said ski-masked FLA member “Jean,” loosing a 200-head Guernsey herd from a dairy farm in Seeneterre. “No creature should have to live in servitude to humans.”
Within hours of the cows’ release, police departments throughout the area began receiving reports of bovine fatalities.
“We’ve been getting calls all night long,” Amos police chief Yves LeBlanc said. “So far, 43 cows have been hit by cars, 11 have fallen off bridges and drowned, and three have been electrocuted from chewing on power lines.”
Among the 71,000 freed cows were 450 Jerseys from the Lafreniere Dairy Farm near Val d’Or, liberated by a team of activists in a midnight raid. The cows were loaded onto trucks, then transported 100 miles north and freed in a forest clearing, where, as of press time, all 450 were standing around eating grass.
The long-distance transport of the Laffniere cows was necessary in light of an event last August, when 80 Milking Shorthorns were released from the Bolton farm in Matagami, only to wander back into their pens the next day, according to the FLA press release.
“It was the greatest thrill of my life to have personally broken the padlock on the gate that cruelly held these cows,” FLA member Jacques said. “As long as I live, I’ll never forget the lazy, sluggish look in those cows’ eyes as I shoved them through the gate with all my might.”
Animal activists are hailing the raid as a major victory for cows’ rights. “Cows do not belong in dairy farmers’ pens. They belong out in the wilderness, where they may run free with the turkeys and wolves,” Kirkland Lake PETA spokesperson Linda McCune said. “This raid was an important first step toward returning the proud, majestic cow to its natural environs.”
Monday’s cow release is the highest-profile raid for the Front du Liberation des Animaux since October 1996, when the group released three million chickens into La Verendreye Park.
CAUTION
These stories are not true. This is a April Fools Day Joke Any resemblances to the living or dead are purely coincidental. We In no way wish to encourage or condone narcotics, gambling, prostitution, extortion, bootlegging, smuggling, bookmaking, gun running or organizing your own “Crew”. We do not imply that watching Scarface, Goodfellas. The Godfather or Married To The Mob will in any way induce criminal activity or that they are “classics” of any sort.
We in no way attempt to portray any or all Crees as criminals in any way, shape or form.
We apologize If you were offended, shocked, dismayed or had any negative emotion.
If you have suffered an outbreak of moral Indignation at or as a result of this attempt at humor, we can only offer our humblest apologies in advance and request the reel Cree mafia break your kneecaps. As for the above story we don’t care to apologize to the FLA or PETA. The Nation.
