While an investigation is still ongoing, the joint efforts of local, provincial and federal crime-fighting forces have confirmed the existence of an organized crime network in the Cree territory of James Bay. A spokesman for the task force stated, “We were shocked at the level of activity and the seriousness of the crimes being orchestrated from Cree land.” Although no names can be released at this time, it is safe to say that its dark shadow was cast over every community in the Cree Nation. Because the Canadian government was not prepared to tackle an organized network of this magnitude and with international connections, the FBI had to be called in for their expertise.
Although nothing has gone to trial, we managed to ask one of the leaders how this all got started. “Well, one night I was just drinking with some of my friends talking about how cool it would be to start one and the next day we went out and rented every movie we could find on the subject. For example, Scarface, Goodfellas, The Godfather, Married to the Mob, you know the classics. It didn’t look that hard and what we didn’t learn from the movies we figured we didn’t need to know. Like all entrepreneurs it was hard getting started but after our first shakedown we were off and running.”
Jimmy the Bear, Johnny the Rabbit and Stanley the Porcupine were the mob’s henchmen. They were the men who traveled through the communities making the presence of the Cree Mafia felt. A resident from the community of Chisasibi confided in us that when he owed a little money to the outfit, these animals came to collect. “I was lucky to come out of it alive,” he said. When the task force tried to apprehend these men, all hell broke loose. A spokesman told us “We knew the Bear would be tough but we were unprepared for what happened when we cornered the Rabbit and the Porcupine… we lost many good agents but we knew we had to take back control of the Cree territory.”
The task force didn’t get a break until they got one of their own agents into the organization. The agent went by the alias of Sally the Walleye or Sally the Monkey depending on what she was wearing at the time. Sally penetrated the Cree Mafia back in 1996. She slowly made her way to a place where she gained the confidence of the leaders and started collecting evidence. “The easy part was getting them to trust me,” Sally told us. “The hard part was getting them to talk about anything besides goose hunting or the Montreal Canadiens.”
The task force was able to determine that Cree Mafia activities included narcotics, gambling, prostitution, extortion, bootlegging, smuggling, bookmaking, gun running and illegal bingo games. We salute the efforts of the hard-working men and women that came into our communities to protect us but in all honesty when I awake alone tomorrow I will take a clear, sober look and miss the excitement of bingo games that will be no more.
CAUTION
These stories are not true. This is a April Fools Day Joke Any resemblances to the living or dead are purely coincidental. We In no way wish to encourage or condone narcotics, gambling, prostitution, extortion, bootlegging, smuggling, bookmaking, gun running or organizing your own “Crew”. We do not imply that watching Scarface, Goodfellas. The Godfather or Married To The Mob will in any way induce criminal activity or that they are “classics” of any sort.
We in no way attempt to portray any or all Crees as criminals in any way, shape or form.
We apologize If you were offended, shocked, dismayed or had any negative emotion.
If you have suffered an outbreak of moral Indignation at or as a result of this attempt at humor, we can only offer our humblest apologies in advance and request the reel Cree mafia break your kneecaps. As for the above story we don’t care to apologize to the FLA or PETA. The Nation.
