Recently anthropologists, who are dedicated to keeping the Indian alive if for no other reason than they can make money studying them, discovered a new tribe.
This newly discovered group is known as the Beeah Tribe (pronounced BIA Tribe). A new book, A Man Called Horse Shit, by Dr. He-Sells-Out, beloved Indian expert, has been released by the Association on Preserving the Cute Ways of Brown People.
The book describes the strange rites and rituals of this much-persecuted tribe. Torn from their ancestral homes on Fifth Avenue in New York City to far-flung agencies around the country, the Beeah Tribe is held together by its function of running the affairs of all other tribes.
Incantations such as “Let me refer you to this other office,” and “I’ll look into that,” are invoked daily to magically free one’s self from harassment by people asking questions as “I’m hungry, what can I do?”
The chief is appointed by the President of the United States and all members are ranked from GS-1 to GS-18. The lowest ranking members are usually those who belong to other tribes as well as to the Beeah Tribe.
The daily rituals of the tribe are graphically described. These include one-hour coffee breaks, 100 dollars a day consulting fees, the feet-propped-up-on-desk-cigar-in-mouth-ritual, being photographed holding an Indian child, buck passing and back slapping.
One of the most terrifying rituals described is the back-stabbing ritual by which a member of a lower rank stabs a higher ranking member in the back so that he can take his place. This ritual is traced from primeval times when their ancestors were living in caves in Europe.
Dr. He-Sells-Out, in one of his more revelatory findings, has noted that the Beeah Tribe exists only at the expense of other Tribes. It cannot seem to live unless it has drained the other Tribes’ human and natural resources and has sapped its leadership and initiative. In the language of the Beeah Tribe this is known as “community development” (pronounced rob-ber-ry).
Needless to say, the mind of the Beeah Tribe is mystifying to outsiders.
With a straight face a member of the Beeah Tribe will say that Indian religion and dances are bad and should be eradicated. But if you can find some white people to charge other white people to see you perform them, it is all right. Or, they will say that every Indian should be educated; but once educated he should not be given a job that his education merits.
This is a war-like tribe in constant conflict with other tribes. Occasionally, through incompetence, the Beeah Tribe does something the other tribes like, but these lapses are quickly corrected.
We thank Dr. He-Sells-Out for his valuable contribution to Knowledge we already know.
BIA stands for the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs. Shortly after college-educated Indians organized the National Indian Youth Council in 1960, they created a newspaper called ABC which stood for “Americans Before Columbus.” Its editorial perspective was often satirical, as exemplified by this anonymous column from ABC for April 1970.
