Do you have a question that you are too shy to ask your mother? The Naughty Squaw will be your confidant. No topic is too embarrassing. Send your letters by fax to (514) 278-9914; or by e-mail to (nation@beesum.ca).
Dear Naughty Squaw,
I keep seeing “Secret Admirer” classifieds addressed to my boyfriend in your magazine. Should I be worried? Should I confront him?
Signed,
Worry wart
My dear, I would not use the word “confront” in this situation. A confrontation means that there is a conflict to resolve, and there is no conflict between you and your boyfriend here. After all, he did not ask to be secretly admired. He did not submit a classified ad. He’s actually just an innocent bystander.
The conflict is between you and the Secret Admirer. That coward is trying to get a piece of your action, and doesn’t even have the nerve to reveal her (or his) identity. So, don’t get worried, get offended! Fight fire with fire and send in your own classified.
Dear Naughty Squaw,
I’m at my wit’s end and have only you to turn to. Ever since I stopped wearing bloomers and switched to panties, I have had the problem professionals refer to as VPL. What can I do to prevent VPL? I’ve tried the thong thang but I find they ride too high up in the country.
Signed,
VPL Sufferer
Sweetheart, haven’t you seen Trainspotting? For those of you who missed this underground-gone-famous 1996 film, it featured then-unknown Ewen MacGregor and his still-unknown buddy vigourously scoping out VPLs-otherwise known as Visible Panty Lines. I myself used to worry about VPL until I realized that some guys actually find this sexy. It allows them to more easily imagine undressing you, because they have a visual clue as to what kind of underwear you’re sporting. So, far from trying to prevent them, you should be proud of your panty lines. And let me dispel a myth here: thongs do not prevent VPL. They merely move the line to a more unexpected place, thus rendering your backside even more intriguing to VPL enthusiasts. Use this information as you will.
Dear Naughty Squaw,
I have a problem. My boyfriend keeps whispering, “Who’s your daddy?” in my ear during the sex act. What’s with that? It turns me off.
Signed,
Turned Off
Oooh, sounds like a Freud thing. I don’t get it either. What is one supposed to say? I mean, a breathless, “You are,” indicates some kind of imaginary incest, while the factual “Darling, you know my father’s name is George,” is sure to put a damper on things.
The best response is one that answers the question without having to actually answer the question. Try something like, “Hey, less talk and more action, bud.”
