I am often asked by friends, acquaintances and other interested parties what I like. To enlighten them more I prefer to tell them, with gusto, of my dislikes. It don’t rhyme well but rap with me anyway.
I don’t like cheese. Except in pizza, cheesecake and I forget what else.
I don’t like tomatoes except in my famous spaghetti sauce, on tacos and sometimes ketchup.
I don’t like coconut with anything except out of its shell and in pina coladas.
I don’t like Red Rose tea except when it’s served out in the bush by an open fire.
I don’t like Klik except when it’s served in the bush and sliced extremely thin and fried to a crisp in about a gallon of lard.
I don’t like Labatt 50 except when it’s closing time and there’s nothing else to drink.
I don’t like carrots except when they’re raw or baked in carrot cake.
I don’t like Celine Dion because she’s a phony and has a bony ass.
I don’t like Oprah because she’s a phony and has a fat ass.
I don’t like action movies unless they’re by Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan.
I don’t like Preston Manning because he’s a whiny-voiced redneck.
I don’t like made-for-TV movies because they look so cheap.
I don’t like self-help books because they don’t really help people and they”re almost always so badly written.
I don’t like the movie Titanic, I have never liked it and I never will.
I don’t like waiting in line anywhere.
I don’t like it when it’s sunny and hot.
I don’t like coffee in Chinese restaurants.
I don’t like poutine because it has cheese in it.
I don’t like people who can’t do their banking fast at ATM machines.
I don’t like people who say, pray tell.
I don’t like people who pray out loud.
I don’t like girls who put on too much perfume.
I don’t like cheeseburgers and you know why.
I don’t like New Country, especially Garth Brooks (or Chris Gaines)… What a loser.
I don’t like checkers and euchre because I suck at both.
I don’t like the word “basically.”
I don’t like gambling because I never win anything.
I don’t like olives except maybe in James Bond-type martinis.
I don’t like Québécois who refuse to speak English tabarnack.
I don’t like chick flicks unless I’m trying to impress a chick.
I don’t like piss warm beer unless there’s nothing else to drink.
I don’t like Gitanes cigarettes and people who smoke them.
I don’t like sex with blow-up dolls.
I don’t like masturbating unless I have to.
I don’t like Hydro-Quebec. Period.
I dont like bad speling.
Needles to say, I don’t like large weddings unless its between royalty.
I don’t like royalty although I do like using the royal We.
We don’t like creamed corn but can eat maybe a quarter of a cob with butter at a barbecue.
We don’t like cutesy spellings of names like Krystal or Shantalle.
We don’t like not being able to come up with anything better to write about.
The list goes on and on and that’s the way we like it…
