In today’s society we take it for granted that Aboriginal children should be fostered out to Aboriginal foster parents. This is a lesson well-taught through the problems that arose when Native kids were adopted by non-Native parents. One only has to look at the report of the Royal Commission on Aboriginal Peoples to see the mass of raw data pointing the finger at residential schools and adoption policies concerning Aboriginal people. Federal government policies placed an estimated 15,000 Native children in non-Aboriginal settings since the 1960s. A lot of Aboriginal children who went through the “Sixties Scoop” say they couldn’t fit in and led troubled lives.
Rena Rubin says the government’s policy has changed. “We know that children who are taken away from their community the children will search out their Native identity and roots.” Rubin’s organization, Batshaw Youth and Family Centres, says they have a responsibility to find substitute families which represent the race and cultural heritage of the child. If it’s an Inuit child they would try to find an Inuit household. If this isn’t possible they would look for a kinship home where the household is First Nations.
“The philosophy is we don’t want the children to have to try to find their identity. It’s traumatizing enough to be taken away from their parents,” she said. “We don’t want to add to that by taking away their culture and identity. We’ve seen the results in the past.”
But there are still problems. Currently, the new philosophy is under attack in a high-profile case before the Supreme Court of Canada. It’s an international fight with a well-off white family that wants to adopt a Native child versus the child’s impoverished family with a grandfather who wants custody. The plaintiffs offer a “better” life on their Connecticut farm. “You have a deeply troubled family on one side and a normal one on the other,” said the plaintiff’s lawyer. Those were the same arguments the government used: they were only trying to give Aboriginal children a more privileged life.
Another problem is that there aren’t enough Aboriginal families fostering or adopting children. One wonders if it is a lack of knowledge of the need, or fears of the unknown of fostering or adopting. I had a chance to talk to some people who are making a difference. Tiiorakwate Konwaronhia:wi and his wife are Mohawk foster parents through Batshaw. No names beyond their Mohawk names will be used in this interview to respect the privacy of the children. Both foster parents in this story are 51 years old and they have taken care of nine children since 1990. They currently have two
adopted children. One is Ojibway and the other is Cree. After adopting the first child they were approached to foster a 14-year-old boy. It was the start of something they came to love.
They had a lot of love and shared it with others who needed it. When I think of foster parents. I’ll think of them now. Before I thought foster parents were perfect people with no problems. This is not true. Foster parents come from all walks of life from those on welfare to those making a lot of money. They may be single, married or living with someone. They can be heterosexual, homosexual and of any racial, religious or cultural background. What matters is the care you can give a child. Tiiorakwate Konwaronhia:wi and his wife give the children what they need, a little parenting from someone who cares.
The Nation: What was the first one like?
Tiiorakwate Konwaronhia:wi’s wife: When he came into our home it was a good experience. I was a little leery because of his age. With that age I didn’t know what life would have in store for me. At the time my husband was away working in the Virgin Islands. I consulted with him but he left it up to me. He was supportive and said it might be a good experience if I wanted to try it.
I found the boy was very conscientious and the eldest of five siblings. He was really attentive to my little girl. He was my first long-term. It went well. While he was with me I took in emergency placements. These were overnight things. Once the re-unification (with the mother/father) took place with him, for my part me and my daughter were at a loss because we were back to one child. We were approached to take in two other siblings from the community, a brother and sister. From then on they came in two’s.
Are you taking care of anyone right now?
Yes, the baby came at four months old and she’s six years old. The brother was three and now he’s 10. They were longterm, two years until the reunification took place. Then I did the restorative care, which kind of weaned me off of them. That’s how I looked at it, as a weaning-off period, which was good for all parties. When that was over the mother continued with it; I was okay with it.
In a turn of events the children came back to me. So they’re still in my life. They were never really out of it. With this particular family I have to say there was a bonding, especially with taking someone in so young. She was four months old. When I was approached to take in this family there was a strong possibility of adoption for the little girl. I went in with it saying, “How would you feel if you had to give her up as the mother gets well and the children go home?” I couldn’t answer that but said I would go into it like the other children. They are In my care and my goal is their reunification with the parent(s). No matter what, they love their mother.
Most of the children I’ve taken care of have one parent and that’s usually the mother. I had to go into it with my mind saying, “I’m taking care of these children for their mother. When she gets well enough they’re going to go home. But with the long-term these changed. There was definitely a bonding with the baby. With the older boy it was different. When he walked in through that door, I saw a little boy of three. He was smiling from ear to ear with his chunky little sister and I thought, “Wow, this is going to be easy.”
Not soon after when he was with us and I was cradling her, I said to her, “My baby,” out loud. He turned around and said to me, “She’s not your baby, she’s my mother’s.” When he said that I thought he knows it. In the years I was involved with him I would definitely say he bonded with his mother. His sister bonded with me. I bonded with her. They’ve both been with me so long I’m committed to them. If you know First Nations people, we take care of each other. We’re responsible for everyone’s children. That’s how I grew up. It’s still like that. I know it. The community I’m living in, we take care of our people. The young and the old.
Back to these siblings. I learned very early she wasn’t my baby. I had to tell myself I’m not going to make that mistake again. I did say to the boy that’s right, but is it okay? I’m saying that because I’m taking care of her for your mom. I had to get his permission. He only had to say it once to me. I was careful not to say that. I got to know their mother and eventually meet her while she was going to treatment and going the distance of bringing her children to visit me after the reunification. It showed the bond between her and her son. Through that first year I got to know her more. I made sure I wasn’t overstepping my boundaries. It was getting to know and keeping that relationship not too close. My experiences in fostering before meant getting involved with the mother and sibling.
With this particular family I wanted to get to know her a little myself. I mean I have her children. In time they really
grew on me. My goal was that she would get back together with the children. I wanted that with my heart. I put myself in her position because I understand where she’s coming from as an Aboriginal with a problem of addiction. I always liked her from the beginning. She’s a very serious woman who never really opened up to me through all these years. I still don’t know her totally but I respect her.
When the children came they didn’t rebel at the separation with their mother. They were too young to explain why they were there. I didn’t touch on that topic even today. I’m very careful. We don’t talk about why they’re there, especially with the older one. He’s 10 and starting through changes. He could be dealing with what he remembers. The bonding he had with his mother has always been there. I’ve seen it over time.
I always look to the mother to take charge when there were supervised visits. I saw how she was with the boy; she was always all over him and just looking at the baby. She couldn’t take charge at first. With time it did happen. I wanted to see her do that. I had to see that; I wanted to see that bonding taking place. It did take place and when the reunification took place, it was bittersweet.
I was happy about the reunification but it was like a mourning period for us. When I brought the children to her place I told the mother how I felt about her children. I admitted I bonded with the baby and I would never forget her. I was asking her to take care of the baby girl. I believed she was capable of taking care of the children like I did and I was there for her if she needed me.
What was a blessing to me was they could have left and I would never have seen them again. But the mother continued it. First it was every weekend, then every two weeks and finally every month until they stopped. Then we said, okay, mother’s on her own. I couldn’t call her; she would have to call me. Mother kept it going. It was an understanding between the two of us because I was straight with her. I showed my emotions that day. She knew me then.
When her life fell apart again she called me first even before the authorities. When I found out what happened I told her I would try to find out where the children were. At that point she asked me if I would take them back again. It was her choice in the beginning to have us as foster parents and the second time she chose us again. They’re still with us today. The little girl calls me mom in front of her mother. Her mother told her she had two moms half-way in the relationship.
There’s still hope that one day when they’re older they can reunite. I don’t know if that’s possible right now but I know it’s important, especially for the boy. They know her and it’s important. Even if we kept them until they were adults, they are going to seek just like I expect my two adopted children to seek out their natural parents. I have an open life book on my adopted son. I can show him about his biological parents. My adopted daughter is different as she’s a little bit of a mystery. Now she’s 10 and asking questions but is basically happy with her life. I don’t know what kind of questions are going to come later though. They both know they’re adopted.
When the reunification took place with the two foster children it was hard on my adopted children because they had bonded with the two kids. They were brothers and sisters for the time they were with us. I was out every day doing something with the kids when the foster siblings left. Luckily it was summer months and there were visitors from the Maritimes. They helped to fill that void when a child goes out of your life. It was good that the mother visited us to wean us off the children slowly. She kept her children in our life. Even though we don’t socialize you could say the mother is part of our family.
What do you see as some of the most basic fears of fostering?
Taking in babies. I’m trying to get some more people to foster and this is what I’m hearing on the side. I find when you mention babies the first reaction is, “I don’t know if I can do that.” Other people have said to me. “How can you give them back? Or is this the one you’re adopting?” I have to tell them, no, the children have their mother in their life. This shies away some people, the thought of taking a baby. I try to talk to them about my experiences with fostering.
Of course. I’m going to stress the positive stuff. There are positive things that I share. It’s making a difference in a young person’s life until mother or the parents get back on track. It makes a dlfference. There’s a need, especially with Aboriginal children. We find the children searching and only finding out late in life what it means to be Native. They have no idea but they look like Natives. I see it, hear and read about it.
Coming from a First Nations perspective I understand what addiction can do to someone who’s Aboriginal. They’re suffering enough just trying to get better but the children are so innocent and deserve a chance. That’s where I’m coming from. I want to make that difference.
In the end it just happened. I’m living it and I’m happy. The rewards are a good experience and I made a difference in someone’s life. The first one today is 18, a young man who’s a father and he acknowledges my husband and me. We helped with his reading problems when he was young in school. Today he’s with the books; he’s an assistant librarian. He invited me to the baby shower. He told me that I made a difference for him. I was happy when he told me that.
