So you’ve gone and graduated have you? Lucky, lucky you. Do you know how many your age have never graduated? Don’t worry, neither do we. But somebody out there does.

Just because you’ve graduated doesn’t mean you know everything, okay. And we’re sure a small percentage of you cheated on your exams, lazy brats. I wish you all the luck in whatever school was desperate enough to accept you. We’ll let them deal with you.

Seriously, what you’ve accomplished is commendable. Graduating by cheating on your exams has a long fine tradition. Read some unauthorized biographies if you don’t believe me.

We’re just kidding. You graduates are so sensitive. We know you would never do such a thing. You worked hard. You studied until your little brain hurt. You rushed to school on cold windy mornings not just so you could see that certain other you’ve had your eye on since that one moment during that algebra exam. You stayed up until the wee hours burning the midnight oil. You deserved to don that gown and that funny hat with the golden tassel.

So, graduates, go out there with your heads held high, diploma in hand, a swagger in your walk, a smile for everyone, books under your arm and just keep going.

What I learned at Age 7- I’ve learned that you can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9- I’ve learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up.
15- I’ve learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
14- I’ve learned that love isn’t earned, but a gift from the heart of someone special.
24- I’ve learned that brushing my child’s hair is one of life’s great pleasures.
27- I’ve learned that wherever I go, the world’s worst drivers have followed me there.
29- I’ve learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
39- I’ve learned that the road to success and the road to happiness are toll lanes of the same highway. And the toll you must pay is simply being true to yourself.
40- I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don’t know how to show it.
44- I’ve learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
46- I’ve learned that the greater a person’s sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others.
49- I’ve learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
50- I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
58- I’ve learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage.
61- I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
64- I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
72- I’ve learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I’ve seen several.
85- I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

A duck goes to school
A duck goes into a school and asks the janitor, “You got any fish?” The janitor replies, “No, this is a school and we don’t have fish,” so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the school and asks, “You got any fish?” The janitor says, “I toJd you yesterday, this is a school and we don’t have fish!” The following day the duck returns and says, “You got any fish?” The janitor loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, “I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A SCHOOL WE DON’T HAVE FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I’M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!” The next day, the duck goes into the school and asks, “Got any nails?” The janitor sighs and says, “No, we don’t have any nails.” The duck says, “Good. Got any fish?”

True answers on 11-year-olds’ science exams
“Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.”
“Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.”
“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”
“Blood flows down one leg and up the other.”
“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.”
“The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.”
“Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.”
“Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.”
“To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.”
“For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.”
“For Fainting: Rub the person’s chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.”
“To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.”
“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.”
“The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.”

Toddler miracle diet
Some readers out there may be on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with many diets is they don’t work. Well, now there’s the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed that most young kids are trim. Our experts have consulted with Cree parents and came up with this new diet. It is inexpensive and offers great variety. If your kids are home this summer from school or daycare, you’ve probably already seen the Toddler Miracle Diet in action lately. Before getting started, be sure to check with your doctor. We are not responsible for any complications.

DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato chips and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one bottle of vegetable dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick a sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pieces of bannock with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other piece
in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavour), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cereal, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of lipstick for dessert.

English assignment

The following was actually turned in by two high-school students in English class. They were given an in-class assignment called the “tandem story.” Each student was told to pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One was then told to write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner read the first paragraph and then added another paragraph to the story. The first person then added a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. Here is what they wrote.

*** At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The camomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of the question.

*** Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

*** He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth – when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

*** Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”

*** This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semiliterate adolescent.

*** Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centred tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

[Remaining insults deleted]